what i think i deserve

I'm currently writing this post from the glider in Gunner's dark bedroom. I can hear him lightly snoring from his bed. I'm learning that you do what you have to to get things done and to get your kids to sleep.

We're still fighting the sleep battle. I don't want to bore you with all of the details and ten thousand different things I've tried over the past three and a half weeks now, really I don't; but, if you've gone through sleep issues you probably know how tired we are. Gunner is exhausted too, really. Poor kid just doesn't realize he's the one furthering the problem. 

Pretty much daily I have this inner dialogue with myself about how I "deserve" a full night of sleep or how I "deserve" to have a nap time where I don't have to sit 100% still hoping not to wake him. And I'm not saying that we don't all desire to have a little time to ourselves and we don't all benefit from it, but I am saying that when I flip my lid because I lose these things, it says a lot more about who I am and less about the actual issue at hand. 

I know I've written about this before, but gosh, am I selfish. And I know that there's grace there, from God and Gunner, but it never hurts to be reminded how far off you still are.

Motherhood is this incredible lesson and example of how to live like Jesus -- dying to my own selfish desires and sacrificing it all for the good of someone else I love. It isn't convenient for me to spend an hour each night trying to get Gunner to fall asleep in his bed. And it certainly isn't convenient to wake up so many times with him in the middle of the night that I wave the white flag and just join him in his twin size bed, but, for right now, it's what's good and right for him. And I'm learning to die to what I feel like is "right" and what I deserve for me.

"Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count other more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men." --Philippians 2:3-7