a change in our path

There's certainly been surprise AND, of course, happiness in our current change of course (if you missed the announcement, look here or use your context clues above); but, it is all 100% God breathed and God driven...of that, I am sure.

I'm going to break this down in the most simple way I know. Sharing things factually first and then, sharing alongside that how my heart feels about it all. I hope I can make it all make sense. I hope you'll read this post with a kind heart.

I am eleven weeks pregnant. I found out about this little baby on a Tuesday afternoon with my two year old at my feet. I was about five weeks along then.

After the initial joy and shock had settled, we started doing some math. The baby would be born in roughly six and a half months. We had yet to receive a referral for a child, but knew we were at least number 15 on the list based on an email received about a month ago. Once we received our referral, we'd begin the paperwork process needed to get Titus home, this would take about six months. Then, we would travel to Africa to pick him up. You may have noticed there that the approximate time left before travel was the same amount of time till I deliver this baby. Yep.

Inevitably, Cody would be traveling to Africa for at least a month (many people are having to stay even longer) while I was extremely pregnant or had just delivered a baby. Something else I haven't written too openly about here, in fear of sharing too much information about where we are adopting from, is the fact that the country Titus is from has currently closed off all exit letters for adopted children, pending investigations into alleged child abuse and illegal re-adoption procedures. These closures have been in place since late September and could hold until next September. Basically, no exit letters means no children are able to leave the country.

We began to pray about our timeline asking God to speak clearly in what way we should move. Should we stay in the country we began our adoption journey in, hoping that our timelines worked out just right and that the exit letter ban would be lifted? Or, should we acknowledge that this pregnancy was God's way of changing our path, not moving away from the idea of adoption but away from our current adoption situation?

For us, this felt like a change of path. I'm aware that other people have similar situations to ours and they don't necessarily feel the same, and that's okay. But for us, this was God leading us a new way. 

That's been really hard, y'all. Moving away from what WE planned but trusting that God has an even better plan. I've felt like a failure. I've felt like a quitter. I've felt guilty for "abandoning" our plan, and let Satan tell me that that means I'm abandoning a child. This has been my head and my heart. Thankfully, we talked with some friends before we decided to officially leave our current adoption program and they told us something like this -- "If you think this change means you have failed, you are wrong. That is Satan saying that and that is a fear of man feeling that. God does not pronounce those things over you. He is sovereign in every situation, every change." Woosh. If you don't have people like that in your life, people that yell over Satan and speak Truth, get them, y'all.

So, what's next? 

Well, this sweet baby in my belly is due November 6th. If I have another c-section (I haven't decided yet, but reasons I had one with Gunner are here), the baby will be born later October. A Halloween baby, our little pumpkin. 

And we're pushing forward toward adoption in a new avenue and pursuing a domestic adoption. I wrote a little bit about our fears and concerns with domestic adoptions here, so this has been such a shocking change for us. But, the Lord is gracious and has surrounded us with people that know the system in the US, people that are for the adoptive families, and people that have calmed my fears. We know we were called to adoption and we have no intention of slowing down that calling. We've been waiting to add to our family through adoption for a year now, and we don't want to stop now. Will people think that's a little crazy? Probably. Do I care? Not really.

We're working with an adoption consultancy agency whose average adoption placement time is four and a half months or less. So, God willing, we will meet our newborn baby a few months before we meet the baby I'm carrying. Two newborns in just a few months time span.

Okay, I think that's it. If you've made it this far, thank you for reading. I debated writing openly about this change. I think mostly out of fear of what other people would think or say, but so many of you have supported us (financially and emotionally), that I couldn't just keep quiet.

I hope you'll continue to stay with us as we grow from family of three to a family of five in the next few months and as I become a momma to three under three. Oh my.