For a long time I avoided community. But, I'm finally jumping back in and I am so relieved by the feeling.
I say jumping back in, because we've had community before. We had a strong sense of community through a ministry we worked in for years and it really was beautiful. I look back on those times and those people, who are still good friends of ours, with the fondest of memories. There was nothing like it. We were open. We were honest. We were real. Then, I began teaching and got pregnant and we had to back off on some of our ministry commitments, and by the time Gunner was born, I found myself recoiling at the idea of community.
I'm learning a lot about myself and why I avoided community in the first place. I'm learning that sometimes I'm scared to let people in because I'm scared they'll let me down. But I've come to realize that 100% of the time people will let me down, and that's okay because I will do the same to them. That's where grace comes in. I'm learning that I avoid community because I don't want people to see my "junk," the things I hide in the dark corners of my soul. That's where love comes in. I'm learning I don't like when people confront my "junk" and call me out on it. That's where truth comes in. And true Christianity, true community is a mix of those three -- grace, love, and truth. And while it's not always comfortable to stretch and grow beyond your comfort zone, it is so encouraging and freeing.
I've realized that for a long time I have hidden behind this computer screen of mine and I've avoided community. I've been hiding in this space where I can write, say, or be whoever I want to be. And while I haven't written any lies or told any untrue stories, I haven't told you all of it. I realize that I have a right to my privacy and I don't have to show you all of my "junk," there's certainly things I'll still keep private, but I don't want to be the person that appears to have it all together...that's easier but it doesn't create the community that I desire for this space.
So today, I'm vowing to start letting you see some of my darker corners, some of my "junk," because we all have it and we could all use and extend a little grace, love, and truth, even through the internet. I want you to know more of me -- my fears, my passions, my dreams, my set backs -- and I hope I'll get to know you better too.
I'm sorry I haven't been 100% here, 100% real, 100% honest, but it's coming.