I Am Selfish

I am a selfish person.

I guess that's a pretty blunt way to start off a post and maybe some of you think it's a little harsh, but I know it's the truth. The thing is, if you asked me a year ago if I thought I was selfish, I would answer with an emphatic no.

I was very blessed growing up. I was rarely in want, I had parents who worked hard to provide for my true needs and desires, but I never thought of myself as spoiled. And to this day, my selfishness doesn't really show through my need for things. 

What do I need? Oh, I just "need" a little bit of me time. And goodness gracious, would it hurt to just have an opportunity to sit down and not be doing something for someone else? Yeah, I really "need" that. And I "need" you to tell me how great I am. And I "need" you to praise me for the things I do.

I know these aren't horrible things all of the time...occasionally I do really need some time to myself and occasionally a little praise doesn't hurt, but I've found lately that those "needs" are just getting in the way. 

They get in the way of being grateful that I have the opportunity to stay home with Gunner. They get in the way of joyfully serving my family. They get in the way of being thankful that we have so many clothes that I feel like I'm constantly doing laundry or they get in the way of being thankful that we have enough money to make yet another trip to the grocery store.

Probably most importantly, these "needs" get in the way of me seeking His approval, and instead I crave it from others. I never realized that one of the reasons I'd miss working so much is because I miss people telling me I did a great job...6 month olds can't tell you that you totally rocked at making their homemade baby food. This isn't to say that Cody doesn't tell me that, but oh boy if he forgets, my feelings get really hurt. 

Recently our pastor read a quote in his sermon that went something like this..."There are two ways to have more. 1) Get more. 2) Want less." That isn't a direct quote, but it made me think a lot about my perspective on things. I can work hard to get more and more me time, more and more approval, or I can just want less and realize how abundantly I already live. We wants and needs confused a lot in our culture.

I'm not sure if this post will make sense to anyone else. I hope it does, but if it doesn't, that's okay too. I wanted to write this somewhere so that I could remember a lesson I'm learning...

That there so often needs to be less of me in the equation. Instead, there needs to be more humility and service, more gratitude and thankfulness. There needs to be far more of God's grace in my heart than my selfish desires. 

I am selfish,
but I'm working to change that.

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