The Pain You Never Stop Feeling

My most recent doctor's visit left me with something I most certainly didn't expect at 33 weeks...this little hospital band around my wrist. 


Due to some pretty severe swelling in my left ankle/leg (and only on my left side), my doctor thought it would be best to send me to the hospital to make sure there wasn't a DVT/blood clot in my left leg. 

Needless to say, I was a little worried. Cody was on shift at the fire station, and I found myself walking into the hospital all alone. I put on a brave face, waited for what seemed like an eternity, and finally had an ultrasound done on my leg. 

My doctor and the ultrasound tech both assured me that my swelling looked nothing like the typical DVT, but that it's always better to check.

Once the test was over, I found myself calling Cody, crying in the car. He was so positive and assured me that the swelling he'd seen the night before at home (when the swelling originally started to get bad) looked nothing like the DVT's he'd seen.

I was still upset, despite all of that reassurance, and I couldn't figure out why. At least not until I sobbed to Cody that I just wanted to make sure Gunner was okay. I was fine with me hurting or having a medical issue, but the thought of my issues causing any type of medical problem or pain for my son was terrifying.

And that's when I realized it...

I'm a Mom, whether he's here yet or not. I hurt at the thought of him hurting, and I'd do anything to keep that from ever happening. It isn't hard for me to picture his future hurts and pains, and I cringe at the thought of it all.

When he cries because he's hungry and as a newborn doesn't know what else to do...
When he cries at the scrape on his knee or the bump on his head...
When he cries after he tumbles off of his bike...
When he cries because someone teased him at school...
When he cries because of a fractured bone from a football/basketball/baseball/soccer game...
When he cries because he worked so hard to make the team, but just wasn't "good enough"...
When he cries because some girl was careless with his sweet heart...
When he cries because he loses a friend to the horrible, yet beautiful, finality of death...
When he cries because of any physical or emotional pain...

I know that I will hurt. And I will want to cry. And I will want to fix it. And I will wish for a way to take away the pain and put it all on me. And maybe I'll wonder when it is as a Mom that you stop feeling their pain. 

But, I think I already know the answer.


You never stop feeling it.